i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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