The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
zippers are such a cool invention
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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