You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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