I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
