in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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