I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
