you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
