I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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