Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
