be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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