I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
