I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You are a genius and a whore.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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