His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
