I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
