so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
