Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
