Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
