He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
