I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
