The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
