Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
