i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mom said you looked used
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
