Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
