Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Let's paint friendship bongs
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
