And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
