Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
