I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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