I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As shirtless as possible
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
