Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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