well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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