saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
