i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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