my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
