If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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