He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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