we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Bring me that man meat
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
