I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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