She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
