the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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