No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
