I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
