Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
