So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
