you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
