He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
