Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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