every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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