Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
