i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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