I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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