I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
