Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
