so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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