She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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