It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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