So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
