omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
