if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
